Spooks: The One Where Ros Screams

Ros (Hermione Norris) and Ryan (Ewen Bremner)

THE caption appears seconds in to episode six:

“MI5 Safe House, SE16.”

It’s almost panto season, so shall we all shout this together?

One…two…three: “Oh no it isn’t!”

As soon as you read those words, you know it’s about as safe as a Kansas farmhouse in a tornado.

Inside, somewhere not over the rainbow, Ryan Baisley (Ewen Bremner) is being questioned by new double act Caulfied and Myers.

Or rather Myers and Caulfield, to avoid the rush of Ros’s icy breath on my neck the next time I find myself in a dark alley.

Ms Myers (Hermione Norris) casts a large shadow in the opening scene as Sarah Caulfield (Genevieve O’Reilly) slams both hands down on the table.

OK, it’s not Ant and Dec quite yet.

But give it time and Ros really will give those jungle dwellers good reason to shout: “I’m A Celebrity, For Pity’s Sake Get Me Out Of Here Before It’s Too Late.”

Spooks fans who have been watching closely will know that Ros has yet to achieve what Sarah would call “clowshoore” over the death of Jo Portman.

Especially when a pile of post includes an envelope addressed to Jo at PO Box 99315, London, SW1A 9CM.

Don’t bother, I’ve already checked. They made it up. It doesn’t exist.

Writers, eh?

Though if you’re reading this in New Zealand, that’s the PO Box number for NZ Musician Magazine.

Surprisingly, Ryan Baisley is not a Wellington country and western star on a promotional tour of south east London.

He’s an employee of DeWits Bank and in grave danger.

Turns out our Ryan has been stealing secrets from ”the most corrupt bank in history,”as used by drug barons, warlords and dictators.

“I believe Saddam Hussein was a client of yours?” Ros asks the bank boss.

“Regular saver, was he? Prudent?”

A set of baffling financial circumstances which I will never understand has left the UK bankrupt until 4:25 on Saturday morning.

Don’t you just hate it when that happens?

On the verge of becoming a Third World Country, unless Harry (Peter Firth) and the massed ranks of Section D can pull it out of the bag. Again.

In other breaking news:

Should Lucas (Richard Armitage) have gone to Specsavers?

Ruth (Nicola Walker) makes another shocking discovery. Is it going to be one a week from now on? Will there be a prize?

Also asking: “Harry, do you want to get a drink?”

While Sir Harry of Thames Houseshire has a number of contenders for “Best Harry Quote Of The Week”.

Including: “A seven storey fast track to a concrete floor is not normal CIA procedure.”

And: “Tariq – cometh the hour, cometh the geek.”

You may already have heard Sarah Caulfield say in the trailer: “This is bad, Lucas.”

It would be easy to insert a joke here, but I’m not going to.

Something rather sad also happens, which, I suppose, was inevitable, sooner or later.

But sad all the same.

I’d write more, but during the course of this episode Harry issues a Defence Advisory Notice to the media.

The terms of which state: “To prevent inadvertent public disclosure of information that would compromise UK military and intelligence operations and methods or put at risk the safety of those involved in such operations, or lead to attacks that would damage the critical national infrastructure and/or endanger lives.”

Having just 59 minutes to save the nation, Harry puts it in a rather simpler form:

“Nothing must get out.”

*Spooks episode six, series eight, is on BBC3 at 9pm tomorrow (Friday) ahead of its main BBC1 screening at the same time next Wednesday.

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