“NOBODY knows,” exclaimed Shameless star Tina Malone.
She was telling fellow housemates how shocked family and friends would be to see her in the Celebrity Big Brother House.
At least they had the decency to keep a straight face.
Tina must have missed the leak to the newspapers a full five days before the series started, accurately naming the incoming housemates.
As Verne Troyer remarked inside the house as another new arrival came through the door on Friday night:
“Everybody that I’ve seen in the papers.”
So most of the celebs were well aware of who they were going to share this experience with.
Even if some still couldn’t figure out what that Tommy bloke was called. “I want to say Michael,” ventured Verne.
Or resist the rush to grab a bed in the lugsheree bedroom.
Tonight’s highlights show will reveal the celeb with the most inflated ego.
Here are a few early impressions.
La Toya Jackson: At 52 she says, “I still don’t know the world.”And: “I love your shoes.” Is she really as tragic as she looks? We need to see more before we blame it on the boogie.
Mutya Buena: The former Sugarbabe’s motto is: “Don’t take life too seriously.” Shame it wasn’t: “Avoid tattoo parlours.”
Verne Troyer: The cutest entrance ever into the BB house but don’t underestimate this 40-year-old game player. Early favourite to win.
Tommy Sheridan: A man of the people who enjoys his own infamy. And remember Tommy, it’s two kisses.
Lucy Pinder: Posh Pg 3 girl who says: “It’s probably a bit of a surprise I’m a bit of a Tory bird.” No, it’s not.
Ben Adams: Eye candy for female viewers. As Davina said: “He thinks that the viewers of Big Brother might be actually surprised to find out that his surname is not ‘from A1’”
Tina Malone: Definitely one to watch – hat hair or otherwise. Personal revelations so far would make Mimi Maguire blush. Tina and La Toya chatting over a cuppa…that’s the magic of CBB.
Coolio: Was once a boy scout. Which explains why he’s been scouting for girls ever since. Will be chatting up the ash tray before long.
Michelle Heaton: The token Geordie on a mission to land that role of Roxy in Chicago and Terry Christian’s hair straighteners.
Terry Christian: “I was born a civilian.” First Celebrity Head of House, even though most of the target CBB audience will never have heard of him or know that he used to work for the MEN.
Ulrika Jonsson: Must have spent Christmas and New Year at her hairdresser to win the best launch night hair award – narrowly beating Coolio. The first to come over all profound in the Diary Room: “It’s a piece of world inside the real world.” As was TV-AM.